Naughty Bits #2

What up, bitches? It's your self-proclaimed Naughty Nerd and Tin Woodman yandere. It's been pretty busy this month and most of it has been Oz-related. One of those things is coming up with Oz-themed memes for the OzCon 2019 Facebook page. Keep an eye out every Friday on Facebook for one of my latest memes you won't see on my blog!

Now I promised the con organizers that I would keep the ones for the OzCon page clean. With that being said, I still came up with ones that were definitely PG-13. So...I put them here. For your guilty pleasure, here are some naughty bits!

This happens at OzCon between the hours of 1AM and 3AM. What happens at con, stays at con.

Seriously, who else sees Tik-Tok trapped in the well and instantly thinks of the scene from "Silence of the Lambs"? No one, just me? Fine.

It's a spin on the Julie Andrews meme that was circulating in 2017. I knew I'd eventually find a Reilly illustration that would fit the phrase.

Look at him. He's like: I'm fucked, but I've accepted it. That speaks to me on a spiritual level. It really does.

Have a great week, you amazing fuckers! Be smart, be kind, be brave, and be awesome!

Review: Finding Dorothy by Elizabeth Letts

Last month, a new book was released in stores that has Oz fans abuzz with excitement. On all the Oz-related pages I follow on Facebook, I have been seeing excited fans talking about "Finding Dorothy" by Elizabeth Letts. The novel follows Maud Baum, the widow of L. Frank Baum as she strives to protect her husband's legacy as she observes the progress of MGM's latest project: The Wizard of Oz. She faces the problems that were common to women in 1938 Hollywood as she debates with directors and executives, watch scenes be filmed, and befriend a young Judy Garland. In between chapters about 77 year old Maud, we read about milestones in her life and the people who shaped her, including her suffragette mother, Matilda Gage, and her head-in-the-clouds husband, Frank.

Before I go into analysis, I'm just gonna nerd out a bit here. Chapter seven tells of when Maud first met her future husband at a Christmas party during winter break from college. IT IS THE MOST FUCKING ADORABLE MEET-CUTE IN THE HISTORY OF MEET-CUTES!!!!!!! What makes it even better is that it actually happened. From Frank's aunt introducing them, to Frank's killer pick-up line, to their long conversation ending in promises to meet again, it was so. Fucking. Cute!!!!!  I want someone with artistic talent to turn this scene into a graphic short story (as in graphic novel but a short story), like, yesterday. By the end of that chapter, my mind was racing: "I want to ship them so bad! Can you ship a nonfictional couple? I need to know because I ship them!"

Then there's chapter 12 where it describes the beginning of their marriage and talks about Maud jumping his bones every night. It makes me want to build a time machine just so I could go back and high-five both of them. "Yeah, get some!" But all that aside, the love story of Frank and Maud is a constant subject that is prevalent throughout the book as the readers witness the the ups and downs of their marriage.

Now, back to more serious (-ish) book talk. The book opens to Maud trying to gain entrance to the MGM studio lot and then to the office of Louis B Mayer, head of the studio, for an appointment. But since she's not an executive or a celebrity, she is denied entrance every step of the way and has to fight to see the great and terrible studio head. The first chapter serves as a reflection of Dorothy's first visit to the Emerald City and the multiple times she's barred from seeing the Wizard. Even Maud's walk to the "White Lung" as she passes costumed actors and dancers is reminiscent to Dorothy's first glimpses of Emerald City's citizens as she approaches the Emerald Palace. Referring to the administration offices as "the White Lung" is no coincidence, either, as Maud later debates with scenery painters that the Emerald City isn't green, but white (made to look green through tinted glasses). This use of reflection, as well as foil, is used a lot throughout the book.

Chapters switch back and forth between 1938 and important years in Maud's life. The firs thing that impressed me about this novel is the amount of research and historical accuracy that was put into it. I don't have anywhere near the level of expertise on the life of L. Frank Baum or the MGM movie as many people I know through the Oz fandom and the International Wizard of Oz Club, but I have learned a lot from them and am familiar enough to point out the more well-known facts an a handful of lesser known. We learn a lot about Matilda Gage, a real-life activist for women's suffrage, and how she acted as a major influence not only to Maud, but to Frank, a suffrage supporter and feminist in his own right (that's right, men can be feminists, too).

Themes of equality and consent play a large role in "Finding Dorothy" as Maud becomes protective of Judy Garland who becomes easy prey to pervy executives and even finds allies in Mayer's secretary and Yip Harburg. A chapter where Maud is assaulted by her sister's drunken fiancee is reflected later on when she helps out a crying Judy after she is assaulted in a similar manner by Arthur Freed, a lyricist and producer for the film. In the first situation, she was too scared to say anything in fear of hurting her sister, but at age 77, she's a hell of a lot wiser and tells Judy how to get these creeps to fuck off (not in those words, but a hat pin is involved). Even readers who aren't die-hard fans of Oz can admire the message that this sends, especially in these times where we have concepts such as the #metoo movement.

We also see reflections of the girls that Maud tried to protect in her life. She considered the worst day of her life when she couldn't save her niece from a life of neglect and poverty, the same niece who called her Aunt M. It's a heart-wretching moment in the book that made me cry and I had to stop reading (it could've been that the CBD I took earlier that night may have exacerbated my emotional response but seeing that I'm tearing up right now at the goddamned memory, maybe not). God-fucking-dammit, why must this book make me feel things! In 1938, Maud takes this experience and not only insists that Dorothy say anything but "Take me to Aunt Em" when she taps her heels, but also becomes motivated to protect Judy from her overbearing stage mother, a demanding Victor Fleming, and a misogynist Mayer. She also takes this as a way to honor her husband whose first priority was to protect children.

In addition to these reflections to times in her life that shape her present, we also see how Judy serves as a foil to Maud. Judy is depicted as a young, naive girl who depends completely on those around her, especially her overbearing stage mom. It gets cringe-y at times when Judy explains to Maud how her mother tells her to do whatever the producers and executives say, even if it means letting them feel her up, as long as it makes her a star. Maud is just as appalled as the reader, if not more, given that her own mother once fought for the rights of women. However, there are many instances in throughout the novel where we observe Matilda grooming her Maud for a certain type of life; not as a performer, but as an independent, college educated woman and speaks of "her diploma" like its some sort of Holy Grail (though in that century, it was for women). There is also the instances where Maud uses the lessons learned from her life to protect Judy from preying men and cheat on her diet of cigarettes and diet pills. The worldly, wise woman-like Maud is a stark contrast to the innocent, day-dreamy Judy.

By the end, we see Maud get her wish; and just like the characters in The Wonderful Wizard of Oz it's not in the way she expected. She came to MGM to ensure that the movie remained true to its source material (every nerd's dream) and keep her late husband's legacy intact but because she had no power over screenwriters or directors, she couldn't control that, but she preserve his legacy in the sense that children and women are given equal voices to men. She encourages Judy to raise her voice so that she isn't controlled by others in Hollywood like the ones who force feed her pills and cigarettes and treat her like an underage sex doll. She holds up Frank's beliefs that children should come first and her own mother's beliefs that women should be given equal standing to men. By the end, all her hard work is paid off when she sees Frank's name on the screen at the premiere of the movie under "From the book by".

The book is layered with meanings, themes, and fact and fiction that intertwine to make a beautiful narrative that speaks to us about love, loss, independence, and magic. Whether you are as obsessed with Wizard of Oz as I am or are a fan of historical fiction, or just like a well-written story, I highly recommend this book to anyone.

Finding Dorothy by Elizabeth Letts is available on Amazon and at Barnes and Noble. Seriously, read this book. Right now!

"Return to Oz" is NOT Scary

I've been seeing a lot of posts on Facebook from various nerd/pop culture pages and the same topic keeps popping up all the time: lists of terrifying scenes from "Return to Oz". Most Oz fans are familiar with this 1985 live action film from Disney; intended to be a quasi-sequel to the 1939 movie, "Return to Oz" is a Frankenstein combination of L. Frank Baum's next two books in the Oz series, "The Marvelous Land of Oz" and "Ozma of Oz".

These lists have been featured on Buzz Feed and Ranker, granted not the most reliable sites for information, but have heavy traffic flows for click-bait readers. These two pages and others are listed at the end of this post. On Facebook, you often come across comments agreeing with these lists including:

Even after 34 years, this less-than-popular is disturbing audiences. But I say to those people who say that "Return to Oz" traumatized them, I say this to you:

It's not an Oz meme, but it gets my point across. I have even seen these articles on Oz fan pages on Facebook and have been wanting to share this sentiment but that would get in trouble because "swearing isn't allowed". Well, fuck them because I'm putting it here. So here are my reasons why "Return to Oz" ISN'T scary and these whiners are just a bunch of pussies.

The Asylum and Dorothy's Near Drowning

A lot of these articles talk about the scenes where Dorothy's Aunt Em has her committed to an insane asylum to undergo electroshock therapy and in her attempt to escape (with the help of plot hole-creating Ozma) she almost drowns in a flooded river during a storm before waking up just on the border of Oz.

People freak out because of the danger Dorothy is put in and how she is about to be strapped to a table and have her brain fried all because her aunt and uncle think she's crazy. Then they lose their shit because Dorothy's life is in danger because of the flood. First of all, this used to be a super common treatment in mental hospitals. Does that make it any better or less scary, no. Though in some ways, it's probably better than a lobotomy. They used to drill a hole in patients' heads, stick a small tool through the hole, and blindly cut away at brain matter until a piece was severed off (not kidding; the guy who invented this method won a Nobel Prize for it). Second, this isn't the first, or last, time a child's life has been in danger in a children's movie. In the 1939 movie, the Wicked Witch threatens Dorothy's life more than once and there's that whole scene with the hourglass and "when the sand runs out, so will your life" thing went on. So, drowning wasn't the first time Dorothy has been in a life or death situation in a film. You also have example from various movies where children almost die like the drowning scene in "Kubo and the Two Strings" or when Eggs is almost strangled in "The Box Trolls"; and of course there's the Harry Potter series of movies where Harry almost dies every other 30 minutes and where multiple people, including children die at the hands of the villains. And yet, no one bats an eye. Every protagonist needs to face some sort of danger or else there are no stakes and the story isn't as exciting. So get over it.

Princess Mombi, the Wheelers, and the Nome King

Then there's the whole thing with Mombi and her heads. The movie merges the characters of Princess Langwidere and Mombi together to create a villain named Princess Mombi, a witch who can switch out her heads. How the hell can anyone think this is scary? If anything, it's kinda cool. Plus the whole scene where Dorothy wakes up her original head and makes the rest start to call out her name in a haunting manner is a pretty impressive scene. I'm thinking more "Oh man, she's busted" than "Oh shit, talking heads! I'm still surprised  even though I already knew Mombi had these things!"

There's also the matter of the Wheelers. These four, long-legged homunculi with wheels for hands and feet are seen as terrifying for the masks they wear and the way they chase Dorothy around the Emerald City. But here's something most people forget: THE WHEELERS ARE GIANT PUSSIES! Once Dorothy meets Tik-Tok and he easily subdues the Wheelers and even forces one to take him and Dorothy to Mombi. Then there's the fact that they aren't that scary looking. This movie was made in the 80s and this is especially evident in the design of these creatures. Quite frankly, it looks like a guy in a neon jacket and roller skates got high on cocaine and then fucked a Delorean in its exhaust pipe and then the Delorean gave birth to a litter of the Wheelers (assuming Deloreans have litters as opposed to single births like humans). Seriously, if you have a metal bucket, you can take down a flock (Herd?) of Wheelers.

Last of the bad guys, there's the Nome King. He is produced with a mixture of stop-motion claymation and an actor in makeup. "Oh, he's too terrifying!" "Look at how scary he is!" No matter what incarnation the Nome King has taken in books or movies, he has never been described as the type of villain who is handsome and charming. Sorry he isn't a sparkly vampire (not sorry). By this point, Dorothy and her band of friends have faced a lot of dangerous situations and they are now facing the final boss. If you are still shocked that she is still at risk of losing her life, that's on you. Also, in an era where Jeff the Killer, Slender Man, and that one latest trend of the weird-ass Photo-shopped girl's face are floating around the internet for all to see, it's really hard to believe that anyone would find the Nome King to be a scary monster.

Jack Pumpkinhead

There are a lot of other points I could discuss like about Tik-Tok and the Gump and bitch about how people also think they are scary-looking (seriously, suck it up, you little bitches). But there is one more point I feel I have to bring up because it is a matter close to my heart. It seems a number of viewers and articles bring up how Jack Pumpkinhead is a terrifying monster. One of the articles even said this about Jack:

"Even if you were a fan of the L. Frank Baum books as a child you couldn't have been prepared for the lanky, spider-esque gait and pedophilic voice of the giant dum-dum pumpkin man." (Ranker.com)

To the person who wrote this quote: fuck you and I hate you. Jack Pumpkinhead is a precious cinnamon roll and yes he is lanky and clumsy by you would be, too, if you were made of old branches. He isn't stupid, he has the mind of a child. And that brings us to the last point. Many have described Jack as creepy because he asks Dorothy if he can call her "Mom" until he can find his real mom, meaning the person who created him. Clearly, these are people who have never seen movies or shows where a woman gives birth to a demon and it calls her "Mama". Now that's creepy! Beside, I would happily be Jack's mom if that position is open, he is a smol bean and I will destroy anyone who tries to hurt him.

Look at that sweet face!

Stop being a Pussy

I'll be honest, I'm a bit desensitized. Not only am I dead inside as a human being, but I also listen to horror stories at work A LOT. I have even laughed during a couple (ones that weren't meant to be funny, I was laughing at the mere stupidity of them). So maybe I'm a bit biased and may not find this movie scary because I'm also a bit creepy myself. I can definitely be off-putting to some people (and it can be quite hilarious at times). But I also have a history of being a giant pussy myself. I was afraid of the dark until a few years ago because I stopped caring (go ahead and take me, demons, I'm done with this shit), I don't trust dolls or clowns, and crowds scare me more than ghost stories. With that being said, there is WAY scarier shit out there than "Return to Oz". It's a kid's movie, for fucks sake. If you think this movie is creepy, I recommend that you see more movies or go back and review the Oz books. Those can get downright dark (it's part of why I love them).

Please share your opinions or thoughts in the comments. I'd love to hear what you'd have to say about "Return to Oz". It goes without saying that opposing arguments are welcome.

Here are links to the articles, some in list form, others that are more like critiques, of nerd sites and other not-particularly newsworthy sites, but still may get a bit of attention from readers:
https://www.ranker.com/list/why-return-to-oz-disney-movie-traumatized-kids/jacob-shelton
https://www.buzzfeed.com/briangalindo/the-11-most-traumatizing-moments-from-return-to-oz
https://nerdist.com/article/5-scariest-scenes-return-to-oz-fairuza-balk/
http://www.audienceseverywhere.net/still-scary-return-oz/
https://uproxx.com/hitfix/return-to-oz-turns-30-a-loving-tribute-to-the-scariest-childrens-movie-of-all-time/
https://www.denofgeek.com/us/movies/return-to-oz/17676/return-to-oz-a-disturbing-80s-fantasy-classic
http://www.mtv.com/news/2191352/return-to-oz-terrifying/