I've been seeing a lot of posts on Facebook from various nerd/pop culture pages and the same topic keeps popping up all the time: lists of terrifying scenes from "Return to Oz". Most Oz fans are familiar with this 1985 live action film from Disney; intended to be a quasi-sequel to the 1939 movie, "Return to Oz" is a Frankenstein combination of L. Frank Baum's next two books in the Oz series, "The Marvelous Land of Oz" and "Ozma of Oz".
These lists have been featured on Buzz Feed and Ranker, granted not the most reliable sites for information, but have heavy traffic flows for click-bait readers. These two pages and others are listed at the end of this post. On Facebook, you often come across comments agreeing with these lists including:
Even after 34 years, this less-than-popular is disturbing audiences. But I say to those people who say that "Return to Oz" traumatized them, I say this to you:
It's not an Oz meme, but it gets my point across. I have even seen these articles on Oz fan pages on Facebook and have been wanting to share this sentiment but that would get in trouble because "swearing isn't allowed". Well, fuck them because I'm putting it here. So here are my reasons why "Return to Oz" ISN'T scary and these whiners are just a bunch of pussies.
The Asylum and Dorothy's Near Drowning
A lot of these articles talk about the scenes where Dorothy's Aunt Em has her committed to an insane asylum to undergo electroshock therapy and in her attempt to escape (with the help of plot hole-creating Ozma) she almost drowns in a flooded river during a storm before waking up just on the border of Oz.
People freak out because of the danger Dorothy is put in and how she is about to be strapped to a table and have her brain fried all because her aunt and uncle think she's crazy. Then they lose their shit because Dorothy's life is in danger because of the flood. First of all, this used to be a super common treatment in mental hospitals. Does that make it any better or less scary, no. Though in some ways, it's probably better than a lobotomy. They used to drill a hole in patients' heads, stick a small tool through the hole, and blindly cut away at brain matter until a piece was severed off (not kidding; the guy who invented this method won a Nobel Prize for it). Second, this isn't the first, or last, time a child's life has been in danger in a children's movie. In the 1939 movie, the Wicked Witch threatens Dorothy's life more than once and there's that whole scene with the hourglass and "when the sand runs out, so will your life" thing went on. So, drowning wasn't the first time Dorothy has been in a life or death situation in a film. You also have example from various movies where children almost die like the drowning scene in "Kubo and the Two Strings" or when Eggs is almost strangled in "The Box Trolls"; and of course there's the Harry Potter series of movies where Harry almost dies every other 30 minutes and where multiple people, including children die at the hands of the villains. And yet, no one bats an eye. Every protagonist needs to face some sort of danger or else there are no stakes and the story isn't as exciting. So get over it.
Princess Mombi, the Wheelers, and the Nome King
Then there's the whole thing with Mombi and her heads. The movie merges the characters of Princess Langwidere and Mombi together to create a villain named Princess Mombi, a witch who can switch out her heads. How the hell can anyone think this is scary? If anything, it's kinda cool. Plus the whole scene where Dorothy wakes up her original head and makes the rest start to call out her name in a haunting manner is a pretty impressive scene. I'm thinking more "Oh man, she's busted" than "Oh shit, talking heads! I'm still surprised even though I already knew Mombi had these things!"
There's also the matter of the Wheelers. These four, long-legged homunculi with wheels for hands and feet are seen as terrifying for the masks they wear and the way they chase Dorothy around the Emerald City. But here's something most people forget: THE WHEELERS ARE GIANT PUSSIES! Once Dorothy meets Tik-Tok and he easily subdues the Wheelers and even forces one to take him and Dorothy to Mombi. Then there's the fact that they aren't that scary looking. This movie was made in the 80s and this is especially evident in the design of these creatures. Quite frankly, it looks like a guy in a neon jacket and roller skates got high on cocaine and then fucked a Delorean in its exhaust pipe and then the Delorean gave birth to a litter of the Wheelers (assuming Deloreans have litters as opposed to single births like humans). Seriously, if you have a metal bucket, you can take down a flock (Herd?) of Wheelers.
Last of the bad guys, there's the Nome King. He is produced with a mixture of stop-motion claymation and an actor in makeup. "Oh, he's too terrifying!" "Look at how scary he is!" No matter what incarnation the Nome King has taken in books or movies, he has never been described as the type of villain who is handsome and charming. Sorry he isn't a sparkly vampire (not sorry). By this point, Dorothy and her band of friends have faced a lot of dangerous situations and they are now facing the final boss. If you are still shocked that she is still at risk of losing her life, that's on you. Also, in an era where Jeff the Killer, Slender Man, and that one latest trend of the weird-ass Photo-shopped girl's face are floating around the internet for all to see, it's really hard to believe that anyone would find the Nome King to be a scary monster.
Jack Pumpkinhead
There are a lot of other points I could discuss like about Tik-Tok and the Gump and bitch about how people also think they are scary-looking (seriously, suck it up, you little bitches). But there is one more point I feel I have to bring up because it is a matter close to my heart. It seems a number of viewers and articles bring up how Jack Pumpkinhead is a terrifying monster. One of the articles even said this about Jack:
"Even if you were a fan of the L. Frank Baum books as a child you couldn't have been prepared for the lanky, spider-esque gait and pedophilic voice of the giant dum-dum pumpkin man." (Ranker.com)
To the person who wrote this quote: fuck you and I hate you. Jack Pumpkinhead is a precious cinnamon roll and yes he is lanky and clumsy by you would be, too, if you were made of old branches. He isn't stupid, he has the mind of a child. And that brings us to the last point. Many have described Jack as creepy because he asks Dorothy if he can call her "Mom" until he can find his real mom, meaning the person who created him. Clearly, these are people who have never seen movies or shows where a woman gives birth to a demon and it calls her "Mama". Now that's creepy! Beside, I would happily be Jack's mom if that position is open, he is a smol bean and I will destroy anyone who tries to hurt him.
Look at that sweet face!
Stop being a Pussy
I'll be honest, I'm a bit desensitized. Not only am I dead inside as a human being, but I also listen to horror stories at work A LOT. I have even laughed during a couple (ones that weren't meant to be funny, I was laughing at the mere stupidity of them). So maybe I'm a bit biased and may not find this movie scary because I'm also a bit creepy myself. I can definitely be off-putting to some people (and it can be quite hilarious at times). But I also have a history of being a giant pussy myself. I was afraid of the dark until a few years ago because I stopped caring (go ahead and take me, demons, I'm done with this shit), I don't trust dolls or clowns, and crowds scare me more than ghost stories. With that being said, there is WAY scarier shit out there than "Return to Oz". It's a kid's movie, for fucks sake. If you think this movie is creepy, I recommend that you see more movies or go back and review the Oz books. Those can get downright dark (it's part of why I love them).
Please share your opinions or thoughts in the comments. I'd love to hear what you'd have to say about "Return to Oz". It goes without saying that opposing arguments are welcome.
Here are links to the articles, some in list form, others that are more like critiques, of nerd sites and other not-particularly newsworthy sites, but still may get a bit of attention from readers:
https://www.ranker.com/list/why-return-to-oz-disney-movie-traumatized-kids/jacob-shelton
https://www.buzzfeed.com/briangalindo/the-11-most-traumatizing-moments-from-return-to-oz
https://nerdist.com/article/5-scariest-scenes-return-to-oz-fairuza-balk/
http://www.audienceseverywhere.net/still-scary-return-oz/
https://uproxx.com/hitfix/return-to-oz-turns-30-a-loving-tribute-to-the-scariest-childrens-movie-of-all-time/
https://www.denofgeek.com/us/movies/return-to-oz/17676/return-to-oz-a-disturbing-80s-fantasy-classic
http://www.mtv.com/news/2191352/return-to-oz-terrifying/